Voting patterns on my mind

 

During a special Bank Holiday Monday trip to the local garage/Somerfield on the South Circular, I found myself unexpectedly drawn to the latest edition of Gay Times magazine.

This had nothing to do with the strange looking nude splashed across the front cover nor the muscle-mary in an advertisement on the inside front-cover (he may have been wearing short-shorts, but frankly he needn't have bothered because every ridge was obvious to all).

Pages 13 and 14 of said magazine reminded me of the issues I currently have as regards voting habits, hence why the following was inspired by the Gay Times Readers' Awards of 2008.

I thought you might be interested to read how I would have voted had I got my completed form in on time.

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 Best Bar
1. Television Centre (because it's close, the beer is cheap, the place is unpretentious and it reminds me of University)
2. Defector's Weld, Shepherds Bush (it allows me to feel young, hip and trendy when I need to)
3. The Archduke Wine Bar and Restaurant in the railway arches close to the Royal Festival Hall

(Gay times readers: 1. The Edge 2. The Yard 3. Trash Palace)

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Best Bar (Outside London)
I don't drink outside London

(Gay times readers: 1. Queenshilling, Bristol 2. Icon, Cardiff 3. Legends, Brighton)

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Best Club  (London)
I don't go to clubs. I look like a twat in them.

 

(Gay Times readers: 1. G-A-Y, 2. Fire, 3.Horse Meat Disco )

* They might want to work on the name.

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Best Club (Outside London)
I did once go to gay bar in Canal Street the night before an interview. Generally speaking however I am even less likely to go to a club outside London. They'd probably throw stones at me.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Essential, Manchester 2. Nightingales, Birmingham 3. The Edge, Southampton)

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Best Cafe/Restaurant (National)

Pizza Express (everywhere) & Nineteen, Streatham High Road, London.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Balans, London 2. Cafe Nero 3. Lemon Tree, Wrexham)

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Best Retailer (National)
WHSmith, London Bridge

(Gay Times readers: 1. John Lewis 2. Selfridges 3. Prowler)

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Best Brand (Clothing)
If it fits and I can afford it, I'll buy it.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Dolce & Gabbana 2. Energie 3. DSquared)

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Best Brand (Grooming)
A rusty tin of Dax a friend gave me the day of my civil partnership and an aerosol of anti-perspirant, pictured above. Also, my trusty bottle of Armani after-shave. I'm a classy fella, don't you know.

(Gay Times readers: 1. L'Oreal 2. Aveda 3. Neal's Yard)

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Car of the Year
When I'm not cycling I use public transport. I loathe Smart Cars.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Audi R8 2. Fiat 500 3. Volkswagen Eos)

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Best Holiday Destination
Anywhere without internet access or BBC output on the TV.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Ibiza 2. New York 3. The Maldives)

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Best Gadget
It was my Sony Ericsson mobile phone with 5MP camera until my husband nabbed that. Best gadget now is my digital SLR (Olympus E410) although it's currently being repaired.

(Gay Times readers: 1. iPod 2. iPhone 3. Bowers & Wilkins Zeppelin iPod speaker)

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Best Sex Toy
I don't own or need a sex toy.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Nexus Glide 2. The Rabbit 3. The Fleshlight ** )

** Not something for work necessarily unless you work in the comedy trade or your employer has a reasonably loose internet usage policy.

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Top Tipple
Grolsch or Stella from the Sainsburys in Lee

(Gay Times readers: 1. Bollinger 2. Magners 3. Beck's)

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Best Politician
How do we define "best"?

(Gay Times readers: 1. Peter Tatchell 2. Evan Harris 3. Gordon Brown)

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Hero of the Year
Myself, obviously.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Kylie Minogue 2. Peter Tatchell 3. Antony Grey)

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Sexiest Man of the Year
Myself, obviously.

(Gay Times readers: 1. John Barrowman 2. Ben Cohen 3. Daniel Craig)

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Charity of the Year
Cat's Protection League

(Gay Times readers: 1. Terrence Higgin's Trust 2. The Dog's Trust 3. Amnesty International)

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Sportsman of the Year
I know nothing about sport, but if I must be drawn on sportsmen, then Cristiano Ronaldo for all the obvious reasons.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Ben Cohen 2. David Beckham 3. Lewis Hamilton)

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DJ of the Year
I listen to speech radio stations because I'm a square arsehole. Consequently, if I am to show allegiance to my employer BBC London's Danny Baker and, if I'm not showing allegiance, LBC's Steve Allen.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Boy George 2. Terry Wogan 3. Seb Fontaine)

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Best Website
Flickr. End of.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Facebook 2. youTube 3. Gaydar)

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Best TV Programme
John Stewart's Daily Show. End of.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Torchwood 2. Shameless 3. Strictly Come Dancing)

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All-Time Male Icon
Myself, obviously

(Gay Times readers: 1. James Dean 2. Paul O'Grady 3. Elton John)

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All-Time Female Icon
My mother, obviously.

(Gay Times readers: 1. Kylie Minogue 2. Judy Garland 3. Madonna)